I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we’ve all had our share of life experiences.
Some of us have experienced agony. Some of us have seen life in 101 different lenses. Some of us have experienced joy in unexpected ways. We’ve been through sorrow. We’ve been through shock. We’ve seen nature take it’s course. We’ve seen people take their last breath and we’ve welcomed life into this world. We’ve all been through a lot, whether we talk about it or not, it’s welled deep inside our hearts, sometimes scars have done all the talking because sometimes, words are not enough.
This week has been a tough one. I’ve been battling out in my head on how to deal with it all. Aside from eating horribly (because I’m an emotional eater), I sat on my couch and cried. I didn’t know what to make out of anything. I’ve received plenty of advice on how to deal with this, how to feel and how not to, and of course, the “everything is going to be alright” talk.
At one point I think I had lost hope. But I soon realized I wasn’t loosing hope like I thought, instead I was not expecting my will to be done. I remembered all those voices telling me “don’t lose hope” and part of me shrugged it off. Part of me reasoned that I had to lose hope. I mean, hope meant expecting a double pink line (positive result) on a pregnancy test every month despite my tumor, despite the infertility. Hoping for something like that takes a toll on ones heart, trust me I know. I realized I got the whole definition of hope wrong.
Hope- the feeling that something desired is possible.
It’s okay to desire pregnancy. It’s okay to want to be a mother. It’s okay to expect something to happen, even against the odds, the diagnosis, and the statistics. But it’s not okay to cling on to hope like it if was my everything.
Jesus should be my everything. My hope needs to be in Him and not in getting pregnant on my terms, on my time.
I’m not going to lie, I still hope that I will be getting pregnant in a few months. I still hold on to that just because I can’t help it, it’s innate. It reminds me of the quote from Maya Angelou “a bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song“. Just like its innate for birds to sing, it’s innate for most of us women to bear a child.
I haven’t lost hope. I simply need to redirect it to Jesus. Placing hope on possibilities, people, things, or circumstances other than Jesus will only lead in disappointment, like its been lately.
For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.- Romans 8:24- 25