I got the call today, in the midst of a busy day of babysitting and welcoming my mom and sisters in our home, I got the call.
The Dr. called giving me hope. It’s too early to share with everyone, but I can assure you- I’m not pregnant. As he spoke, I met hope. The hope I thought I’d lost a few weeks ago. The hope I thought would come to us in a distant, distant time from now reappeared to me in this phone call. I glimpsed at hope’s window and didn’t see me there. As the doctor spoke about the details on the phone- my mind wandered. I didn’t see me there but God does.
Am I glad? You bet I am. Am I scared? Without a doubt! Meeting hope today made me realize that I had to open myself to possibilities and ideas I just wasn’t ready to open myself up to again. But I’m taking my chances. I am walking by faith.
These weeks have been bumpy, faith testing, and heart rendering. I’ve seen some of my closest friends tested through so much these few weeks that I will admit to being a little more mad at God than usual. I’ve questioned God why would He do things to my friends and I that would hurt us while we have done everything right by the “rules”. Then I remembered that when grace exists, rules are overruled by grace. Somethings are meant to be a mystery, somethings will be answered when we aren’t looking for questions, and somethings will simply be.
My walk this year has not be for granted. It’s all been carefully orchestrated by God. I see Him through and through in every step I took, every wise step and every foolish step. I see where my footprints disappeared in the sand and I see when they appeared again. I realize now that I am too tired to walk on my own. I’m too tired of fighting with God on the Why’s of life. I’m meeting hope with a sense of refreshment. I’ve got nothing left to lose. These few months I thought I had lost it all when in fact God was simply hiding some pretty wonderful stuff from me.
As I picked up knitting just this last week, I lost myself in thought as I knit stitched. Every stitch; some imperfect, some lost, some almost perfect, some too small, and some too wide, made a very unique scarf (still in the process). I see God stitching my life just like this. The was I see God knitting my life seems messy, imperfect, and sometimes even painful to look at, but He knows exactly what the end result is meant to be. Every stitch counts.
So I met hope today in a very unexpected way and realized that every (imperfect, messy, almost right) stitch counts.