Coffee With Betty

I took pregnancy test on Friday. I could have waited an extra day to see if my period would show, but I didn’t.

I wanted to see if it would come out positive so I could somehow gift that to my husband on Christmas day. Wrapping little baby socks in wrapping paper and placing it under the Christmas tree in a nice little bow; it was all planned out. I couldn’t wait to know.

I now know I am not pregnant this month.
I’m not surprised.
I am not disappointed.
I am not sad.
I am not let down (by the medicine or God).
I am fine.
I went straight from the bathroom to my room and went back to cuddle in bed. I grabbed my phone and went on the adoption websites looking for waiting children. There is where I found disappointment, sadness, and even surprised that some of these children are still waiting to be adopted.

Surprisingly my heart hurt more there than with yet another negative pregnancy test.

The more we read about these children and the closer we are to adopting, the more I re-think my need to be pregnant. Since we decided to be open on children with special needs my plate would be full the first year or so. Adding a pregnancy and eventually a new born baby to the mix will definitely be overload.

Last night my husband and I cuddled in bed and talked about names for baby D. We saw her on the website a few weeks ago and heard through the grapevine of her additional information. Hoping she’d be in our home soon, I am eager to be her mama. To help her heal, to help her grow, and to love her through every step of the process. Baby D needs a mama and a papa to recover.

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I feel sick though.

I’ve overwhelmed myself with chasing pink lines on pregnancy tests.

It’s as if for these last two years that’s all I’ve wanted to see- double pink lines on a urine stick.

I’m sure that’s not what God called me to hope on.

The more I realize that there might just be a chance that I will never get pregnant, the more I realize that I am finally letting go of my own agenda.

This month I do admit, I expected to be pregnant. I did everything right (or so I thought). It also certainly doesn’t help that pregnancy symptoms are almost the same as menstrual symptoms. I am unsure on what the next step is.

I am not myself. The medicine has imbalanced my hormones in ways I never expected and that’s says a lot considering I am a crazy hormonal woman. My emotions are all out of whack, my feelings, thoughts, and even body is foreign and I’m wondering just how much of this I am willing to take all for the sake of hopefully getting pregnant.

The more I ask God to help me not think of being pregnant or wanting it, the more God repeats Himself to me “I’m going to blow your mind away”.

I’m holding on to that promise.

Ever have those moments when all you have to do I remember His promises to you and gather strength from that?