Some tell me to just not to think about it.
I’m ‘traumatizing’ myself by talking and crying about my infertility.
What if I close my eyes and count to ten? Will I forget about it then?
What if I pretend all pregnant ladies with cute baby bumps are just fat? Will I be able to not think about it then?
What if I don’t stare at my nieces picture every time I go near the fridge? Will I just feel better that I didn’t get pregnant these last 2 years (or I might just lose weight)?
What if I pray more and ask God to help me not think about it? I can only hope that works.
There’s some days that I simply struggle to remain positive. Some days, like today, I am invincible; nothing can bring me down. Other days… Not so much. I have faith but some times my faith only lasts me till 10:30 am.
Trust me- I want to get over this. I don’t want to feel bad about myself any longer. I don’t want to feel less of a woman. I don’t want to feel bad every time I hear of another ‘unplanned’ or ‘surprise’ pregnancy. I want to move on and be happy.
Like many say, “I don’t want to survive, I want to thrive” through my days, weeks, months. I want to be able to smell the roses and fall in love with life.
I want just that and I’m going to get it.
Taking medicine in hopes to get pregnant does alter plans such as these. Letting things happen vs. getting things done (cause’ then the meds were for granted), is a battle. How to just let it go and not expect it to happen when every day of the month has been premeditated by your meds and your doctor?
So now I am at the point where I simply need His guidance and complete sanity. I cannot do this alone. This is overwhelming, this is tiring, this is a lonely, scary road, and I just need Papa.
I’ve realized that letting go (for me) means letting go of the medication for now. We’ve decided we’d give the meds three cycles and call it quits (this is our second cycle). I can finally rest in knowing that if it’s Gods will to let us conceive, then it will happen when it happens.
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.
Proverbs 19:21
I do sound very convincing and mature about it, but trust me, I will probably need to re-read this post daily to remind myself just that.
Sometimes just not thinking about something won’t make it go away. God has placed a unique desire in each and every one of us to follow. We simply need to wait in His perfect timing to follow that very unique desire.
May he grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans!
Psalm 20:4
I pray that whatever you’re going through, whether it’s infertility, a desire to be married, a job promotion, or anything you are personally going through, that you find peace in knowing that He will grant the desires of your heart… In His perfect timing.
- Betty
I did the whole not thinking about it thing for awhile and it only made me even more miserable. I finally came to the point where I was just plain tired of not being happy. Yes, infertility is a part of my life, and yes, it is VERY hard…but I don’t have to let it rule my life and make me miserable. So, I focus on the things that make me happy. When I feel sad, I talk to my husband about it for a little, but I don’t let myself get overwhelmed in sad, depressing feelings. After I’m finished talking, I go do something or think about something that makes me happy. I have made a point of focusing on the things that bring a smile to my face. And, while I can’t say everything is perfect and I’m never sad, I’m certainly much more happy then I was a year ago. Infertilty is a journey of many emotions. I said a prayer for you as I read your post and I hope that God will someday answer your prayers. And I’m proud of you for trusting Him with everything!
i hate that we as human beings have this NEED to be someone or have something to validate our self worth. that the Word of God, that the simple fact He took the time to delicately create each and every one of us, the idea that He sent his Son to DIE for us… there are times in my life when none of that heals my aching heart, none of those things are “enough”…it infuriates me because I know Nothing else should matter BUT those things, and yet here I am standing beside you…yearning for things, yearning for love, yearning for a title or status that I have convinced myself with “fulfill” me…that will “complete” me…when I was younger I tried to fill that void with boys. Thinking that if I found someone to love me enough I would love myself-nope. I had to learn to love myself regardless and see myself the way God sees me…miraculously as soon as I began to do this I found my husband-my soul mate. Somewhere along the line I have lost that vision and struggle to find it again. I put value on friendships and people rather than in myself. Because I dont have a plethora of people begging to be my friend Satan tells me I am not nice enough, funny enough, friendly enough, Christian enough…. Then I feel alone and invaluable because I am. Do not feel alone in your struggles. I may have children and not necessarily struggle with infertility…but then again one could say I was infertile for those three years in between each of my children. For whatever reason God chose to separate those years between our children (probably for My own sanity) and I am grateful it worked out that way. BUT whatever our struggle, whatever we are trying to place value in that is not God we ALL have to reach the same place to overcome it. SO my hope is that we can be an encouragement and inspiration to each other knowing that WE are not alone and that God’s plan for us is SO much grater than we can ever imagine… Whether you ever become a mother Betty you are an amazing woman of God and have forever touched the lives of adults and children alike. THAT is valuable…
@mrsmiller thank you for your comment. I think it all has to do on choosing to be happy every. single. day. even if it takes every ounce of energy from you. He provides! I just need to make sure I remember that.
@Rabecca, I agree with you entirely. It reminds me of so many examples from the Bible though. When God told Sarah that she was going to get pregnant, she basically scoffed and laughed at Him. When Job was tested, in the beginning all he saw was his good taken… until He realized that God is so much better than any of that. I think it’s a natural desire to be a mother, to be loved, to get married, etc. but it is unnatural to let that desire run your life. I struggled so much just because I felt I’d done everything ‘right’ but no matter how right I do things, God doesn’t see it, He see’s my heart and He knows exactly how the ending of my life will be. I’m at the point where I AM DONE. SO SO SO SO tired. SO SO SO overwhelmed and sick and annoyed of my attitude. So much to the point where I’ve decided to draw the line and get over it. Fine, I’m infertile, get over it and move on.
Thank you Betty for Sharing these very real fears. Just to give you hope it is possible to get pregnant without the meds my aunt did it twice. I am trying so hard not to be Cleche right now
I am so proud of you for taking these steps and relying on God. I had fear when I first got married that Doug and I would not be able to conceive I cried and cried (I had a complication that I thought would keep me from having kids) but our marriage counselor/ pastor who married us just gave me hope by praying for me and giving me affirmations and I had no worry after that. Donovan was born almost 4 years later 
A friend gave me an acronym for Fear- False Evidence Appearing Real so whenever I have fear I of course quote scripture and remember this acronym and it calms me. <3 Caryn