Monthly Archives: January 2012

{not} NOW

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I want NOW to happen now.

I want the adoption to go through NOW.

I want to get pregnant NOW.

I want to move NOW.

I want everything done NOW.

But from what I’ve learned in life is that now doesn’t happen when I want it to. I cry and throw my tantrum and ask God for the basics of life I feel entitled to have and all He says sometimes is “not now”.

Not now…

I wonder what that means? Does He REALLY mean not now? Why not? Aren’t I ready? Aren’t I worthy? Aren’t I capable?

Quiet, my soul, quiet. Not now means that it will come later.

Shawn, the pastor from our church gave a wonderful preaching Sunday. He used Romans 12:9-21 and one verse just stuck

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

I read, re-read, read, and re-read the verse and all I could think of was “wow, this is tough”. It sunk in throughout the day, I woke up Monday and there it was again, reminding me “be joyful in hope”. Today I stand heartbroken and I’m reminded “be patient in affliction”. And now I am reminded that He hears my plea’s so pray…

I want things done NOW but more than anything I want God’s will done over mine… even if it means NOT NOW.

Be patient friends. I hate the word patience when it has something to do with me but know that He’s not saying it won’t happen, He’s just saying it won’t happen just this very moment.

What do you want to happen now? What has helped you with the wait?

Paper Pregnancy

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Paper Pregnant

Adoption: Paper Pregnant

Such a weird term... Paper Pregnancy.

It popped into my brain this week and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel emotional. I started having surreal dreams about it.

Adoption…

I woke up today… in a somber mood, such an inexplicable feeling lingering over me. Hours later I remembered my vivid dream. I went to check my email to see if it was in fact real, thankfully it wasn’t.

I dreamt that our home-study wasn’t approved because… well I am infertile. The email from my social worker stated that because we were trying to conceive (which aren’t now), they decided we wait to adopt till we stop trying. I remember crying to my husband asking him how in the world was I ever going to become a mother if I couldn’t conceive and if we couldn’t adopt.

Thankfully it was all just a horrible dream and thinking about it just makes me want to vomit and cry.

Our friends recently adopted a set of two amazing little boys a week ago. From the moment they submitted their homestudy on them to the moment they arrived home the process took 2 weeks. Yes, 2 weeks. It almost happened in a blink of an eye.

So now we are basically in that part of the process. We are waiting for our homestudy to be approved, if it hasn’t been already, and then we get to submit our homestudy on children.

I have never been pregnant. I don’t know how it feels to be pregnant but I know the symptoms a woman experiences during pregnancy (I have spent two years reading up on them thinking I was). What I do know about a pregnancy is that it usually lasts nine months, give or take a few weeks. The mother gets to  mentally prepare herself for sleepless nights, breastfeeding, she starts buying what she can afford to give her baby the best; clothes, crib, carseat, stroller, etc. She finds out the sex of the baby (most times) and buys gender specific clothing and room decor. Of course, there’s a whole lot missing in the preparation of what the mother does for baby but you get the idea.

With a  paper pregnancy it goes nothing like that. Unless of course you have a specific age and sex in mind, which tends to be a little easier. In our situation here’s what we can expect: Ages 1-10, male or female, illnesses, down syndrome (yay, hope we do get a little blessing like that!), 1, 2, or 3 kids. That’s what we decided to be open to and we have NO idea what to expect. The process could take two weeks or it could take a year.

My stomach twists at the excitement and anticipation… this journey has officially begun- we are paper pregnant and have no idea what to expect.

So many things going through our minds; the need to move to a bigger house hasn’t left our mind (it’s like the nesting stage has begun). The emotions are all over the place and all I could think of is that God has it all under control, our children have already been picked by Him and it’s all going to work out, but the kinks in between are just too many to count.

Will you pray for us?

Eat This!

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Remember in the beginning of the month when I wrote (here) about weight loss and my goal to keep it off? Well, I’m here with a little update and some recipes that will surely make your mouth water… at least I hope.

I’ve so far managed to lose six pounds and keep them off. For a while, it looked like eight pounds, but considering it’s not the end of the month quite yet, I will take what I can and continue working harder. I’m currently doing the P90X workouts and L-O-V-E it! Yes, painful but I’m seeing results! I am also taking Shakeology. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s basically a delicious shake filled with all the good super foods you need in a day! You can check it out here- or ask me about it.

Let’s get to the amazing recipes!

This here is a hybrid of turkey-burgers. I call it the Spicy Zucchini Turkey Burger. I got the Zucchini idea from Pinterest. For the added spicy kick, I added leftover chipotle chili adobo sauce which was a tablespoon or so (depending on taste). The burgers were so juicy because of the zucchini! I wrapped them up in these spinach and herbs wrap (less than 70 calories a wrap!), added some spinach, and instead of fries made some yummy Brussels sprouts with them!

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Now this is probably the best pizza we’ve ever made. No LIE! Okay, so months ago my husband and I found this wonderful whole wheat recipe for dough online and we love it! Find it here. We added the sauce, the cheese (which was low fat mozzarella), a few slices of turkey bacon, zucchini, green bell pepper, all over a bed of spinach! So I guess we can call this the Lean Green Monster! Lots of fun to make and a party for your mouth!

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You like soup? You’ll dig this!!

This is a crock pot soup recipe I also found on Pinterest (don’t ya love this site!?!). It was easy to prepare and easy to walk away from, which is why I love crock pot recipes! This was definitely a hit for us at home. I also added more of the chipotle chili adobo sauce to it since we like food with a kick and we did add some extra cumin. Too easy, too yummy, and low calorie!

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I will try to keep you all updated on new recipes I find and try. These definitely have had great reviews from our family and thought you’d like these too. For those of you ‘resolving’ to stay fit this year, I hope you’re still keeping up! Trying healthy new recipes always helps me stay motivated! My best friend told me this a few days ago “pounds are lost in the kitchen and inches are lost in the gym” so keep both up and you’ll be successful!

Happy Tuesday y’all (wait, it is Tuesday, right?)!

My Good Man

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Rough and tough journey’s aren’t meant to be traveled alone… at least not for me. Without my husband, I’d be more of a wreck than I am now, which is hard to envision being that I am pretty messed up as it is.

I’ve been able to write on how I’ve been coping with the infertility, dealing with the adoption process, being a military spouse, and so on but haven’t talked much about the man that has helped me re-adjust my attitude and cared for me through it all.

For those women looking for a perfect man, make sure you start praying and directing yourself to Jesus, you will only find perfection in Him but know that there are genuinely good men, not perfect but good.

These few months have been exceptionally tough as a wife. Realizing that this infertility could be more than a temporary issue has been heartbreaking. Realizing that your new-born niece resembles some of your husbands characteristics more than any other child we adopt will– honestly hurt. I’ve cried endlessly (and can’t stop the tears as I write this now). Feeling useless as a wife. Feeling embarrassed with his family because I am not able to provide them with a grandchild, nephew/niece, or cousin with their blood.

To be honest, for me, it hasn’t really been about creating a child that looks like us, for me, where the infertility strikes is that I won’t be able to experience pregnancy.

I can’t tell you that I feel absolutely 100% better about this. I can’t say that I don’t feel less of a women sometimes, because sometimes I do.

My husband doesn’t pressure me. He is excited about adoption. His genuine heart to adopt gives me peace that we are doing the right thing. His eyes light up when we talk about parenting our children. Every night as we cuddle, he talks about how anxious he is to get our children here. He is truly a sweet, loving, and amazing husband… and that’s why I feel like he deserves the very best.

So sometimes I tell him to leave me and to find a woman that will give him a child. I know, it’s stupid. He’s never asked that of me but since I want the best for him, I think of dumb alternatives to cope with this (don’t judge me). I’m glad to see a I have good man. One that loves me enough to know that my words come from a painful place. I’m blessed to have a husband that gives me more than enough hugs and kisses to reassure me he’d never leave me in this storm alone. I’m blessed to have a man that says the right things (sometimes) but acts on them when push comes to shove.

Daniel is my best friend. We don’t always agree on things but always find a way to compromise. He makes me smile when I doubt I’ll be able to physically ‘turn my frown upside down’. He is even proud of wearing the most ugliest scarf seen to man just because I knit it for him. I mean, he’s pretty cool…

I don’t think God could’ve equipped me with a better partner than He did with Daniel. He may be childish and say the wrong things but he is a good man, not perfect, but good.

The best question I could possibly think of right now is this- are you looking for perfection in people? and who is right by you helping you cope and walk this part of your journey?

Bye Bye Hot Flashes

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“I’ve moved on. Yup, totally over it. Nothing to think about here…”

I feel the need to reassure myself with those words a few times a day on days like these.

Yes folks, I am once again talking about the baby-making-infertility issue.

I have been fine, surrendering it all. Moving on. Accepting it. Thanking God for the process…

I decided after trying the fertility meds for two months that I’d quit here. I’m done. The overwhelming emotions and hormones that are out of control. The awful hot flashes, mood swings, and body aches had to leave. I simply couldn’t leave it in the hands of God every month after we tried doing everything perfectly. It felt like studying for a test and knowing you’d Ace it but receive it back only to see a big fat F.

I said I’d give it three cycles but at this point, I can’t. Most of me knows that it’s the best choice and then part of me mourns the fact that there is now less of a chance to get pregnant. Though, rationally I know getting pregnant at this point isn’t the best choice, I can’t help but want it once in a while.

I am relieved. At least I won’t be expecting to be pregnant at the end of every month. I am relieved because I know that these dumb hot flashes won’t be all over the place. I’m relieved because I’ve finally left it at God’s feet.

At this point I’ve got nothing but a miracle to expect and sometimes that’s quite okay.

I don’t like this journey. I want to simply dig my heels into the ground, stop here and turn back but I know that if I keep on walking just a tiny bit more, that God will reveal a little bit more of His purpose for me- and that’s when I get more strength to walk a little more. It’s called faith and I need to put more action to it.

I know that moving on is hard. That the journey is painful. That the healing afterwards sometimes takes more out of you than the actual collision event. I know that it feels lonely, tiring, weary, long, and life draining but know that you are not alone. The healing will take time and once you focus on letting God heal your wounds instead of yourself, you’ll find yourself resting entirely on Him.

Hang in there. Whatever journey you find yourself traveling today, know that you’ll find rest in Him.

What journey are you traveling? Are you still trying to heal your own wounds?