“I’ve moved on. Yup, totally over it. Nothing to think about here…”
I feel the need to reassure myself with those words a few times a day on days like these.
Yes folks, I am once again talking about the baby-making-infertility issue.
I have been fine, surrendering it all. Moving on. Accepting it. Thanking God for the process…
I decided after trying the fertility meds for two months that I’d quit here. I’m done. The overwhelming emotions and hormones that are out of control. The awful hot flashes, mood swings, and body aches had to leave. I simply couldn’t leave it in the hands of God every month after we tried doing everything perfectly. It felt like studying for a test and knowing you’d Ace it but receive it back only to see a big fat F.
I said I’d give it three cycles but at this point, I can’t. Most of me knows that it’s the best choice and then part of me mourns the fact that there is now less of a chance to get pregnant. Though, rationally I know getting pregnant at this point isn’t the best choice, I can’t help but want it once in a while.
I am relieved. At least I won’t be expecting to be pregnant at the end of every month. I am relieved because I know that these dumb hot flashes won’t be all over the place. I’m relieved because I’ve finally left it at God’s feet.
At this point I’ve got nothing but a miracle to expect and sometimes that’s quite okay.
I don’t like this journey. I want to simply dig my heels into the ground, stop here and turn back but I know that if I keep on walking just a tiny bit more, that God will reveal a little bit more of His purpose for me- and that’s when I get more strength to walk a little more. It’s called faith and I need to put more action to it.
I know that moving on is hard. That the journey is painful. That the healing afterwards sometimes takes more out of you than the actual collision event. I know that it feels lonely, tiring, weary, long, and life draining but know that you are not alone. The healing will take time and once you focus on letting God heal your wounds instead of yourself, you’ll find yourself resting entirely on Him.
Hang in there. Whatever journey you find yourself traveling today, know that you’ll find rest in Him.
What journey are you traveling? Are you still trying to heal your own wounds?
Sometimes, I find that giving up has to be a daily thing. Trust, faith…it’s a process. One that has taken me three years to work through. And the funny thing is, every time I think I have it figured out, something knocks me on my butt again and I have to start all over. Faith is a choice; and every day, I choose to let God write my story!
That’s great! For me, lately, it’s been a whole lot better. I’ve focused on greater things, like the adoption. I’ve held on to those promises and so I see myself really holding my (adopted) child in my arms in the near future then holding a bigger belly due to pregnancy. I’m grateful for this all and so giving up and surrendering hasn’t been much of an issue until little moments of nostalgia hit… It’s all for a greater purpose and I see little bits of it and I love it!
I feel like Ecclesiastes could have been written just for us . . . there is a time for everything. A time to try meds. A time to rest. A time to try every prescription helpful doctors want to give. A time to let God be God. All the time to hope for a miracle. God will see us through! I believe that!
@Lauren, I love your comment. From the day I read it, I’ve been letting it sink in and it’s been a blessing. I always loved that part of Ecclesiastes and never in a million year though of it in that way. <3