Rough and tough journey’s aren’t meant to be traveled alone… at least not for me. Without my husband, I’d be more of a wreck than I am now, which is hard to envision being that I am pretty messed up as it is.
I’ve been able to write on how I’ve been coping with the infertility, dealing with the adoption process, being a military spouse, and so on but haven’t talked much about the man that has helped me re-adjust my attitude and cared for me through it all.
For those women looking for a perfect man, make sure you start praying and directing yourself to Jesus, you will only find perfection in Him but know that there are genuinely good men, not perfect but good.
These few months have been exceptionally tough as a wife. Realizing that this infertility could be more than a temporary issue has been heartbreaking. Realizing that your new-born niece resembles some of your husbands characteristics more than any other child we adopt will– honestly hurt. I’ve cried endlessly (and can’t stop the tears as I write this now). Feeling useless as a wife. Feeling embarrassed with his family because I am not able to provide them with a grandchild, nephew/niece, or cousin with their blood.
To be honest, for me, it hasn’t really been about creating a child that looks like us, for me, where the infertility strikes is that I won’t be able to experience pregnancy.
I can’t tell you that I feel absolutely 100% better about this. I can’t say that I don’t feel less of a women sometimes, because sometimes I do.
My husband doesn’t pressure me. He is excited about adoption. His genuine heart to adopt gives me peace that we are doing the right thing. His eyes light up when we talk about parenting our children. Every night as we cuddle, he talks about how anxious he is to get our children here. He is truly a sweet, loving, and amazing husband… and that’s why I feel like he deserves the very best.
So sometimes I tell him to leave me and to find a woman that will give him a child. I know, it’s stupid. He’s never asked that of me but since I want the best for him, I think of dumb alternatives to cope with this (don’t judge me). I’m glad to see a I have good man. One that loves me enough to know that my words come from a painful place. I’m blessed to have a husband that gives me more than enough hugs and kisses to reassure me he’d never leave me in this storm alone. I’m blessed to have a man that says the right things (sometimes) but acts on them when push comes to shove.
Daniel is my best friend. We don’t always agree on things but always find a way to compromise. He makes me smile when I doubt I’ll be able to physically ‘turn my frown upside down’. He is even proud of wearing the most ugliest scarf seen to man just because I knit it for him. I mean, he’s pretty cool…
I don’t think God could’ve equipped me with a better partner than He did with Daniel. He may be childish and say the wrong things but he is a good man, not perfect, but good.
The best question I could possibly think of right now is this- are you looking for perfection in people? and who is right by you helping you cope and walk this part of your journey?