I think my heart might just explode.
Yesterday was such a blessing that I’m afraid that today might just be a bust.
For those of you who are not my friends on Facebook, I’ve got some news!
We are officially approved for the adoption process and have in fact already submitted our homestudy to two cases (meaning two children).
I can’t even begin to explain how overwhelming this part was though. I thought we had gone through the hardest part of the process, the waiting, but boy was I wrong.
This part of the process caught me off guard. Not the approval but the fact that you need to decide on some very tough issues people and most parents don’t deal with on their daily basis and some, in their whole life.
We decided, from the beginning, that we’d be open to children with disabilities, illnesses, diseases, etc because if we had gotten pregnant, there would always be a chance for our child to be born this way, so why not choose a child and love them through it? Mind you, this was the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make through this process.
Yesterday I was reminded of that. As we emailed the social worker back and forth throughout the day, my husband and I stared at each other in the living room after finding out several conditions a little one had.
The question floated in the air.
Do we? Should we?
He said yes.
My heart pattered a lot quicker.
What do you think?, he asked.
I (after a few moments of hesitation)… think we’d be able to do it.
The assurance in his voice convinced me. Let’s say yes.
I replied with an odd confidence to the email- we want our homestudy submitted for him.
A week ago I picked up running. I physically never imagined myself being able to run at this weight. Thursday I beat my own mile. 11:40 (since then I have improved my mile twice). When the app on my phone told me as I ran, I smiled. I continued running, my speed picked up, and I just smiled!
At that point I realized that I was okay with God. I was okay with Him taking His time. I was okay with Him doing what He needed to do. I was okay with the slow adoption process. I was okay with the infertility. It all clicked that very moment.
I felt like I had finally let go. I was able to breath. I was free. I freed my thinking, freed myself from my own negativity and surrendered to God. It’s as if I passed the baton to Jesus and my time to run that direction was over.
I had a breakthrough in the middle of my run.
Days later we get the notice that we are approved. This was a God thing. God has the baton. He’s running for me. He’s running for our adoption. He’s providing for our needs. He’s in control.
I’ve never had such beautiful surrendering experience like this before. I feel free and even though this new part of the adoption process is overwhelming, I will run to Him. My sweet Jesus, my refuge through this all, how can I not turn to Him?
We tend to hold on to chaos as it were a baby. Most of us know we can hand it over to God. We know we can rely on His strength and yet we cradle chaos, because we think we can handle it. We don’t. Hand over chaos, negativity, depression, insecurity, finances, parenting, your marriage, your studies, WHATEVER, over to God. I know that sometimes we fool ourselves thinking we can handle it… but we can’t. He’s knows better and wants you to trust Him.
That’s all I have for now. I’ll keep you posted!