I don’t think nothing EVER prepares you for the day when you see your baby gasping for air as he struggles to breath.
His little body rose up and down. Sounds from his little mouth were utter distress. He laid on his tummy and all I could do was pat his little back. What I really wanted to do is hold him. I wanted the nurses to stop touching him. I wanted them to let me do it. But I know better… I know that they are doing only what’s best for him.
I cried in despair. My child is struggling to breath and the machines can’t do a thing for him.
These past few days as a new mommy have been tough (and that’s an understatement).
Let me take you back to Wednesday, the day we finally met Lucas.
My husband and I drove to the hospital as we followed the social workers in their own cars.
Elevator- 3rd floor. Make a left. Enter hallway. Buzz NICU staff. Enter. Scrub in for 1 minute.
Then the nurses greeted us. They talked about Bobby. They were so happy Bobby had parents. Bobby was such a good baby. Bobby is the best. Bobby is what the staff named him.
There were so many babies. So many little tiny cribs, little incubators, very quiet, very dim, in a very cold room. We finally got to Lucas’ area. He was swaddled up in a hospital blanket. I asked if I could hold and and the nurse very excitedly said yes! I sat on the gliding chair and they placed Lucas in my arms. I finally had my son in my arms. My baby. Tears just flowed.
He is so precious.
He is so beautiful.
He is ours.
He was asleep while I held him. Then Daddy got the chance to hold him. I saw the happiness in my husbands eyes. He glowed as a father. Then Lucas opened his eyes and got to see Daddy first. Daddy began crying (and gloated about Lucas seeing Daddy first, bragging rights).
From the corner of my eyes I saw the social workers cry and the nurses crying. It was such a beautiful moment.
Throughout the day we just sat with Lucas. I got to feed him and from what the nurses tell me, this was the first time he had ever finished a bottle via suckling, I think he knew momma had all the time for him.
In the evening the staff let me stay there. They gave me a room to stay in and woke me for his midnight feedings. Then Thursday came around and it was time to get him prepped for surgery. Because he was born so little (23 weeks), his eyes needed laser surgery. Our little guy had a tough time with it. We haven’t been able to hold him since Thursday morning.
These days have been bittersweet. I long to be able to hold my child. I long to hear him cry because then we’ll know his lungs are strong enough. Most importantly, I long to see him get better. He may not have grown in my womb but boy, did he grow so deeply in my heart and seeing him suffer, breaks my heart entirely.
So if you have a chance, will you pray for him? Pray that he heals soon. Pray that his lungs develop better. Pray that we have him home soon. Spending our days in the NICU are both stressing and soothing. Moments when we see our little one open his eyes for a few seconds makes those eternal scares less scary.
We are so grateful. We have our son and now it’s time to be strong. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but with him, being his mommy and holding him tight, even if there’s a plastic incubator between us.
Also, for those who have asked about what we need for Lucas and how you can help, we have signed up for a Baby registry at Babies R Us and Target. We’ve had about 2 weeks to prepare for him, so anything you can gift, would be great!