I thought about you today, as I always do. I really don’t know where to begin but my attempt to connect to you has been heavy in my heart lately. The social worker finally gave us your name, along with your partners name and some general information on your three children. My heart felt satisfied at the moment but now I crave more… not only for my sake but for my baby. Truth be told- I have your address; it was there, between those endless medical records. Part of me wanted to hand-write you this letter but I thought it’d be too much, too soon for you.
I can’t thank you enough. I know you wanted him aborted. I know you slipped on meth. I know the only reason he’s here now is because the hospital staff did everything to save him (and because God wanted him here) even though you shouted obscenities to them not to. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving him up. It might have been the hardest thing you may have done or the easiest, either way, my heart is eternally grateful to you. I want you to know that I don’t judge you, that I love you and that the wanted abortion, the drug use, and everything in between doesn’t define you. You will always be known as my sons birthmother and nothing less. I want you to know that I love Lucas with all of my heart and that the love you may have lacked for him will be overflowing from my husband, myself and most importantly God.
Today Lucas started sucking his hand more. He laid on his bouncer and his hand would make its way to his mouth. He’d suck away until he’d lose control of his hand and he’d go on the search again. It was beautiful and then I thought about you. I wondered if you’d find this entertaining like I did.
A few days ago Lucas has found that his tongue can hang outside his mouth. So this little tongue of his poked out of his mouth and into the world, as if he could taste the world with his flying tongue.
Two nights ago Lucas decided it would be fitting to stay up from 1 am to about 5:30 am. I tried everything. I fed him, burped him, changed his cloth diaper, even gave him a bath at 3 am but nothing worked, he wanted me to talk to him as his eyes moved trying to locate my voice.
I wonder if his light redish brownish hair is like yours. Or if your eyes are as big as his. One thing is certain, he is one short little guy and I know you are also on the smaller side, so he’s got that from you! Birthmother, he is perfect. After those months in the NICU, Lucas is one strong little guy. He now weighs 9.8lbs and is on his way to getting heavier, one bottle at a time. His back is burnt and my heart aches for him every time I change his diaper. He has an umbilical hernia and I try not to let him cry because I don’t want that to affect him. His right ear is unique, ironically just like my husbands. And his toes… they are perfect.
I hope that somehow you come across this letter. I hope to feel God tugging at my heart soon letting me know the right time to send this letter out. For now, I’ll continue writing to you from here and hope that somehow you come across this and know that you are thought of, loved, and a big part of our lives.
The woman that is now a mother thanks to you <3