Category Archives: Adoption Journey

Dear Birthmother {Mother’s Day}

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that SMILE!

that SMILE!

I really wanted to sleep in and of course he’d wake up 30 minutes earlier.

My first Mother’s Day happened yesterday.

A year ago I dreaded going to church that day but I went anyway. I got a card with a chocolate offered to me at the entrance of the church by the greeter. Part of me wanted to chuck it back at them (since we’re being honest) and say that I wasn’t a mother and part of me crumbled at the reminder that I could’ve been one. Later that day I remember trying to cheer myself up. Telling myself that I was a mama. That my baby was somewhere and that I’d meet him/her soon. Two weeks later we get the news of Baby Boy R and less than a week later Baby Boy R is matched with us.

Being a mom to such a sweet boy has been a tremendous blessing. Sometimes I forget how great this blessing is because I get caught up in the moment of insane motherhood in the endless abyss of house work, baby drool and hair pulling.

I was getting ready for church yesterday, reflecting on this special day, and I was taken back by the thought of his birth mom. My heart ached in different levels that morning. It ached for my friends that were still waiting for their baby. For those who mourned the loss of a baby. And then… for his birth mom. While I have many questions for her and about her, I can only imagine what yesterday meant for her.

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Dear Birthmom,

You have no idea how grateful I am for you. Yesterday I was able to celebrate my first Mother’s Day. I held Lucas tighter than usual because it felt too good to be true. While he made everyone in church laugh with his sweet “dadada” words resounding off the walls during service, my heart overflowed with joy that this little guy was in our lives to brighten and enrich them for the better. I can’t imagine what you may have felt this day. Whether you enjoyed your day with your other little’s in your life or if you thought about Lucas. I pray for you. I love you. I wish you’d know just how much you mean to me. I know the circumstances weren’t ideal when he was born and I could only imagine that if things we different last year, you would have fought for him. Lucas will always know how much you love him. And when he’s old enough to understand, know that you will be celebrated right along side me on Mother’s Day. My heart bursts at the seams in gratefulness for bringing such a beautiful baby into our lives. Thank you for everything. Happy Mother’s Day.

xoxo’s

The B’s Celebrate Lucas’s Gotcha Day

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March 27, 2013 is a date that will forever be embedded in our hearts.

Little Lucas officially (legally) joined our family! We can finally share pictures with you of his precious face and no longer tease you with his cute little toes. Little guy has grown so much and is thriving!

It’s all God’s love and grace that has made all of this happen. Less than 10 months ago we were approved to adopt. We expected a child ages 0-5, boy or girl, any illness, sibling welcomed, and expected to wait months to get matched. Never in our wildest dreams did we expect a baby, to get matched in 2 weeks, to live in the NICU for months, to come home with a healthy baby boy after the crazy storm and then… finalize him 6.5 months later. I tell you- WE NEVER EXPECTED THIS and we couldn’t be more blown out of our minds!

This was our little big lesson on faith. Have a little faith and trust God. Friends, I will continue to highly emphasize to you- take a leap of faith. If God is telling you to do something that seems a little out of your comfort zone- do it. It will be uncomfortable and rough but it will be amazing and worth it! If you’re thinking about adopting but you’re too scared because it’s “too hard” or “too expensive” then your mindset is all wrong.Take the first step and start asking questions, that’s where we started and now we have THE cutest little guy ever!

Now that I made you read all of THAT I’ll finally share some pics of little guy on Finalization Day.

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For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him

1 Samuel 1:27

All the tears, the heart ache, the pain and the wait was for this moment. It has all been worth it. I would do it all over again just to be his mama.

Lucas, one day when you’re old enough to understand this, know that I have loved you always. I have cried and prayed for you way before I knew you’d be mine. My heart was instantly connected to you and the day I met you, I fell more in love with you, my child.You are our biggest blessing and our greatest joy.

The Baby Clothes Hoarder

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I’ve become somewhat of a hoarder.

My closets seem to have reached their maximum capacity on stored baby clothes that have no chance of fitting my soon to be 1 year old.

I can’t seem to rationalize giving away or selling any of it and I’ve realized I have developed an emotional tie to it.

I can’t give my baby’s clothes away because I somehow hope I will adopt/have another baby against the odds. The chances seem 1 in a billion, really but I remain hopeful. Then, all at the same time, my heart aches. There’s that billion against 1 chance that I won’t be a mother to another baby. Behold- We WILL be adopting another child but this beloved child of ours will (most likely) not be in the baby stage.

You might be thinking “ye of little faith” or something along those lines but I can’t tell you how many women I know that have walked in my shoes for years and have yet to expect a little baby. I have faith that God’s plan is better than mine, right? But His plan may or may not be for us to have a little baby again.

I’ve been cherishing baby time; Kissing his baby feet every chance I get, indulging in baby talk “gaaaahhhh pfffffffft baaaaaaaahhh”, and soaking in all those precious smiles every time I turn his way. So I hoard those moments too… this would be the good type of hoarding and what other people call “memories”.

I don’t know when I’ll be fine to let go of these items of clothing, cloth diapers (whenever he’s done with that stage), and cute baby socks because it isn’t about just letting these items go, is it? It’s about letting go to the pain, desire, aching, and my timing and that’s where it hurts. Knowing that the unknown road paved in front of me is filled with more unexpected joy, growth and trials I could ever imagine seems scary and exciting all at the same time.

So meanwhile my closets burst at the seams with baby clothes, I will cherish and hoard all the memories my little guy and I make together.

Go ahead, call me the baby clothes hoarder (and we never know, maybe hoarding baby clothes will come to good use one day) :-)

A Letter To My Little Love

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Lucas, my sweet baby, my joy, I commence this post with tears welling in my eyes.

I am in awe at God and how He worked in our lives this year. Your birth, your journey, your transformation, and your healing is nothing short of a miracle and trust me, you will always grow up knowing that. The way God worked so perfectly to connect us together.

June 20. That’s the day I first met you. My heart had been connected to yours weeks before that but then I finally saw you. Tiny. Little. Baby.

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I love you, baby. I spend my days kissing your toes while daddy makes “eeewwwww” sounds because he doesn’t think kissing baby feet is cute. I resist biting your cheeks, your arms, and pinching your leg rolls but when I give in and tickle you, your new distinct laughter brings instant joy to my heart. I hate not knowing how to heal you when you are crying in pain. My heart warms up instantly at the sight of your smile and your cute baby talk.

Then when it all becomes too much, too hard, too stressing… I feel like you don’t deserve a bad mother like me but I have to remind myself that we were a match made in heaven and that bad days happen to everyone.

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While you develop on your own pace, so do I. We are both growing and learning. Before you came into our lives we didn’t know half the things we know now. Micro preemie, paralyzed vocal chords, umbilical hernia, ROP, laser eye surgeries for babies, PDA, etc etc etc and that’s only medical talk. Now words like “tummy time” “teething tablets” “teething” “burp cloth” “zebra toy” and “cloth diaper” are a daily part of our vocabulary.

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You have changed our lives for the better! A few weeks ago while you slept in your crib in your room and daddy slept in our bed, daddy starts saying in his sleep “shh, shh, shhh, it’s okay Lucas, it’s okay, shh shh shh”. I giggled as he did it. He must of thought you were crying in his sleep!

Even though you didn’t grow in my womb, you grew deep in every fiber of my heart.

As Christmas approaches, I want you to know that you are by far the greatest gift we have ever received. A year ago we only dreamed of having you here and here you are, Papa God really delivered us with the most precious gift ever!20121202-204332.jpg

I want you to know just how much we love you and just how much we’ve prayed for you before you even came into our lives. As the months go by and we see you develop and beat the odds, we are more and more in awe with God and grateful to Him for allowing us to be your parents.

Please remember that I love you even on our bad days. I promise to try to be the best mama. I promise that daddy and I will instruct you in the ways of the Lord. I promise to try to feed you the healthiest meals. I promise to nourish your mind, spirit, and soul with the love that God has poured into us. I promise to laugh at my mistakes and teach you that humans are flawed but beautiful. I promise, sweet baby, that I will ALWAYS be here for you no matter your age and how far you leave.

I promise to kiss you every. single. day. and that may not be such a bad deal now but once you’re older you won’t appreciate as much (for that, I apologize in advance).

Lucas, you have come into our lives and have shined brightly into our lives. I want to thank you for giving me my new name, mama.

I love you, forever and ever, sweet boy.

Dear Birthmother {Half Birthday}

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Dear Birthmother,

Half Birthday Cake

This Tuesday marked our sweet Lucas’s 6 months. It’s incredible, really. I see this tiny baby, now the size of a 2 month old and I giggle at the thought of him being a 6 month old.

I get lost staring at [our] precious baby. Suddenly bursts of emotion come over me… It was you. I’m thinking of you and wondering just how you’re feeling about all of this. Is your heart at peace? Is your heart in pain? Or is your heart constantly trying to heal itself from this emotional journey?

I see his precious face, with those big cheeks, his mouth open just enough for his little tongue to hang out while he sleeps. I wonder if you have an idea of how he looks. Let me assure you, mama, he is the cutest baby I’ve laid eyes on.

If it wasn’t evident already, Lucas is a born fighter. He’s already overcome so many obstacles, it has been truly incredible to watch him conquer them! A little over a week ago, my husband and I noticed Lucas following us with his little eyes. Up until then, we were all unsure if he’d ever see. Three eye surgeries, visits to the ophthalmologist, and lots of waiting, seems to have done the trick. He’s turning out to be one very healthy baby after those scary months of fighting.

He’s learned to smile. I usually wake up to Lucas making his little noises all the while smiling. He also started baby talking a lot more. He doesn’t exactly coo… he hisses and grunts and he pulls it off! He also has one too many personalities. One moment he’s smiling, the other he’s crying then suddenly stops and smiles again. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do because he’s a moody little guy. One sure way to make Lucas mad is laying him on his tummy. I’ve tried countless times and they’ve all ended in a cry fest. One thing he LOVES is laying on his changing table. He either likes having a naked booty, nice scenery, or the feel of a clean cloth diaper because he ends up in smiles and in baby talk.

Last Sunday we celebrated his half birthday with his godparents and a memorable half a cake. We sang Happy [half] Birthday to him all the while he almost fell asleep on the table. We celebrated such a strong little miracle and whether you see it or not, it was thanks to you.

I really wish you could be experiencing this. I wish you could see his captivating smile, his kissable little toes, and those big cheeks that hang from his face. Don’t worry, when you’re ready I’ll have all the pictures to show just how precious he is. Meanwhile, take time to heal and know that we will be here with arms wide open.

We love you and thank you and know that you’re always in my heart.

Xoxo’s