Tag Archives: Faith

Dear Birthmother {Mother’s Day}

Posted on by

0

that SMILE!

that SMILE!

I really wanted to sleep in and of course he’d wake up 30 minutes earlier.

My first Mother’s Day happened yesterday.

A year ago I dreaded going to church that day but I went anyway. I got a card with a chocolate offered to me at the entrance of the church by the greeter. Part of me wanted to chuck it back at them (since we’re being honest) and say that I wasn’t a mother and part of me crumbled at the reminder that I could’ve been one. Later that day I remember trying to cheer myself up. Telling myself that I was a mama. That my baby was somewhere and that I’d meet him/her soon. Two weeks later we get the news of Baby Boy R and less than a week later Baby Boy R is matched with us.

Being a mom to such a sweet boy has been a tremendous blessing. Sometimes I forget how great this blessing is because I get caught up in the moment of insane motherhood in the endless abyss of house work, baby drool and hair pulling.

I was getting ready for church yesterday, reflecting on this special day, and I was taken back by the thought of his birth mom. My heart ached in different levels that morning. It ached for my friends that were still waiting for their baby. For those who mourned the loss of a baby. And then… for his birth mom. While I have many questions for her and about her, I can only imagine what yesterday meant for her.

————————-

Dear Birthmom,

You have no idea how grateful I am for you. Yesterday I was able to celebrate my first Mother’s Day. I held Lucas tighter than usual because it felt too good to be true. While he made everyone in church laugh with his sweet “dadada” words resounding off the walls during service, my heart overflowed with joy that this little guy was in our lives to brighten and enrich them for the better. I can’t imagine what you may have felt this day. Whether you enjoyed your day with your other little’s in your life or if you thought about Lucas. I pray for you. I love you. I wish you’d know just how much you mean to me. I know the circumstances weren’t ideal when he was born and I could only imagine that if things we different last year, you would have fought for him. Lucas will always know how much you love him. And when he’s old enough to understand, know that you will be celebrated right along side me on Mother’s Day. My heart bursts at the seams in gratefulness for bringing such a beautiful baby into our lives. Thank you for everything. Happy Mother’s Day.

xoxo’s

Through The Potter’s Hands (again)

Posted on by

0

“Why do I have to go through yet ANOTHER trail?” I cried to my friend on the phone while talking to her about some of life’s recent strike against me.

She then said “because you are strong”. Of course, me, strong. I went on about telling her how unfair it felt; how life has always been hard and that I had really expected this part of life to be easier. From a rough childhood, to military, infertility, adoption, etc etc etc… this specific (non-specific) part of life was just supposed to be well… less harder at least.

I realized that as much as I ignore complimentary words like “strong” that there was some truth in them.

I am strong. I am victorious. I am beautiful.

For a while now, those words weren’t allowed to have value in my life because God wasn’t at the center of my life. Hearing that I am strong, victorious, or even beautiful wasn’t received in my heart. I realized that my true strength, beauty, confidence, and courage all came from the Lord and that by me not having Him as my center was throwing my identity out the door.

Without God as the center we find ourselves often dragged down by anything- We feel off center, weary, with a lack of confidence and peace. Words that can be used to uplift us end up hitting the barrier we have set in front of us to avoid getting hurt.

These few days have been prayerful, quiet, and continuously longing for His peace and direction. As much as I may not want to go through YET another trial, I am ready because through all of my past trials, I’ve realized that they’ve been all for His glory.

At the end of my life, I want to make sure my life was lived to honor and glorify God and if it’s at the expense of this part of my life, then so be it.

He’s the potter and I’m the clay.

{my prayer for you today is that you may receive words of encouragement from others that can potentially nourish your heart. may your heart be willing to go through the Potter’s hands over and over again as long as He keeps using us.}

The Baby Clothes Hoarder

Posted on by

2

I’ve become somewhat of a hoarder.

My closets seem to have reached their maximum capacity on stored baby clothes that have no chance of fitting my soon to be 1 year old.

I can’t seem to rationalize giving away or selling any of it and I’ve realized I have developed an emotional tie to it.

I can’t give my baby’s clothes away because I somehow hope I will adopt/have another baby against the odds. The chances seem 1 in a billion, really but I remain hopeful. Then, all at the same time, my heart aches. There’s that billion against 1 chance that I won’t be a mother to another baby. Behold- We WILL be adopting another child but this beloved child of ours will (most likely) not be in the baby stage.

You might be thinking “ye of little faith” or something along those lines but I can’t tell you how many women I know that have walked in my shoes for years and have yet to expect a little baby. I have faith that God’s plan is better than mine, right? But His plan may or may not be for us to have a little baby again.

I’ve been cherishing baby time; Kissing his baby feet every chance I get, indulging in baby talk “gaaaahhhh pfffffffft baaaaaaaahhh”, and soaking in all those precious smiles every time I turn his way. So I hoard those moments too… this would be the good type of hoarding and what other people call “memories”.

I don’t know when I’ll be fine to let go of these items of clothing, cloth diapers (whenever he’s done with that stage), and cute baby socks because it isn’t about just letting these items go, is it? It’s about letting go to the pain, desire, aching, and my timing and that’s where it hurts. Knowing that the unknown road paved in front of me is filled with more unexpected joy, growth and trials I could ever imagine seems scary and exciting all at the same time.

So meanwhile my closets burst at the seams with baby clothes, I will cherish and hoard all the memories my little guy and I make together.

Go ahead, call me the baby clothes hoarder (and we never know, maybe hoarding baby clothes will come to good use one day) :-)

Forever and Ever

Posted on by

6

We sat there. Brief silence. Tears trapped. The topic was brought up again. We never know what strikes it. But there it is. Here it is. Silence. This time it was heavier. Thicker. Because his words floated.

“It’s my fault. I feel useless.”

I asked why.

“Because I can’t get you pregnant.”

It stung. I told him it wasn’t his fault. I mentioned his super sperm. I said the truth. It’s my fault and we both know it.

All this time he must’ve been blaming himself even with all the evidence. My heart sank for him.

I guess it got to him. All the judgement we received from the family. All the insensitivity. All the harsh words spilled out by someone he loved got to him. That happy-go-lucky guy that has “the force” with him blamed himself for my infertility. It took me a year to realize it…

Infertility hurts everyone. Wives, be sensitive to your spouses. He may not tell you what’s on his heart. He may not want to hurt you any more than you already are.

Be patient. Be loving. Be real. Be ready to listen.

—————————————————

My husband and I smile when our friends say our child looks like either one of us. It’s amazing how God works. We are eternally grateful for the blessing to be parents to such a precious baby boy. But there’s always, always, that indescribable feeling that makes me wonder how our biological child would ever look like.

—————————————————-

my beloved

Most importantly, love each other. Infertility hurts marriages. I’ve seen it make you or break you. So I urge you to pray together. Listen to each other. Stop and slow down. Sometimes all you have to do is stop fertility treatments all together. Sometimes all you need is a vacation. Sometimes all you need is some space. But you will ALWAYS need each other. I may be a 23 year old talking to you about marriage, infertility, faith, adoption, and the military and that all may sound silly to you but listen to me when I say this- your marriage will NOT fail if you have God in the center of your marriage.

The_Barrera_Family-96

While you are on whatever journey you travel in life, take a second to refresh, look at your spouse, smile, cry, hug (do whatever you need to do), make sure you are on track with each other and pray together. Sometimes our marriage gets derailed in alignment with God. Life does that. Infertility does that. It leaves us with foggy minds, heavy hearts, and unsure paths. So take a second. Connect with your spouse and get on track with God so whenever life’s tough winds come trying to sweep your through, you are holding hands with no fear of the future.

<3

Remember the vows you made to each other on that special day- “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live” and mean it.

Forever and ever.

A Letter To My Little Love

Posted on by

6

Lucas, my sweet baby, my joy, I commence this post with tears welling in my eyes.

I am in awe at God and how He worked in our lives this year. Your birth, your journey, your transformation, and your healing is nothing short of a miracle and trust me, you will always grow up knowing that. The way God worked so perfectly to connect us together.

June 20. That’s the day I first met you. My heart had been connected to yours weeks before that but then I finally saw you. Tiny. Little. Baby.

20121202-203301.jpg

I love you, baby. I spend my days kissing your toes while daddy makes “eeewwwww” sounds because he doesn’t think kissing baby feet is cute. I resist biting your cheeks, your arms, and pinching your leg rolls but when I give in and tickle you, your new distinct laughter brings instant joy to my heart. I hate not knowing how to heal you when you are crying in pain. My heart warms up instantly at the sight of your smile and your cute baby talk.

Then when it all becomes too much, too hard, too stressing… I feel like you don’t deserve a bad mother like me but I have to remind myself that we were a match made in heaven and that bad days happen to everyone.

20121202-203411.jpg

While you develop on your own pace, so do I. We are both growing and learning. Before you came into our lives we didn’t know half the things we know now. Micro preemie, paralyzed vocal chords, umbilical hernia, ROP, laser eye surgeries for babies, PDA, etc etc etc and that’s only medical talk. Now words like “tummy time” “teething tablets” “teething” “burp cloth” “zebra toy” and “cloth diaper” are a daily part of our vocabulary.

20121202-203504.jpg

You have changed our lives for the better! A few weeks ago while you slept in your crib in your room and daddy slept in our bed, daddy starts saying in his sleep “shh, shh, shhh, it’s okay Lucas, it’s okay, shh shh shh”. I giggled as he did it. He must of thought you were crying in his sleep!

Even though you didn’t grow in my womb, you grew deep in every fiber of my heart.

As Christmas approaches, I want you to know that you are by far the greatest gift we have ever received. A year ago we only dreamed of having you here and here you are, Papa God really delivered us with the most precious gift ever!20121202-204332.jpg

I want you to know just how much we love you and just how much we’ve prayed for you before you even came into our lives. As the months go by and we see you develop and beat the odds, we are more and more in awe with God and grateful to Him for allowing us to be your parents.

Please remember that I love you even on our bad days. I promise to try to be the best mama. I promise that daddy and I will instruct you in the ways of the Lord. I promise to try to feed you the healthiest meals. I promise to nourish your mind, spirit, and soul with the love that God has poured into us. I promise to laugh at my mistakes and teach you that humans are flawed but beautiful. I promise, sweet baby, that I will ALWAYS be here for you no matter your age and how far you leave.

I promise to kiss you every. single. day. and that may not be such a bad deal now but once you’re older you won’t appreciate as much (for that, I apologize in advance).

Lucas, you have come into our lives and have shined brightly into our lives. I want to thank you for giving me my new name, mama.

I love you, forever and ever, sweet boy.