Tag Archives: Jesus

When All We Have Are Bits and Pieces {birth momma}

Posted on by

6

I’m trying to collect bits and pieces of her to store it in a box.

She has blonde hair. This goes in the box.
She was about 4’11 ft tall. That goes in the box.
She was a meth user. That… that probably won’t go in the box.

It’s a feeling hard to describe, this unspoken bond I feel I have to his birth-mother. I’m desperate to know anything about her but we can’t. It ended up to be much like a closed adoption. I hold on to the hope that one day she will be open to a picture… and maybe even one day meeting us.

I ask the nurses that were there for his delivery. Everything happened so fast, they all say. Some saw her. Some were too busy. Some were too mad at her for the words that came out of her mouth. But one, one saw her. I asked about her complexion and I hurried to catch every word to store it in my invisible box.

One day he’ll want to know.

I look at my precious baby boy as he lays peacefully on my chest. I kiss him and smell his baby scented skin. I think of her and thank her as if she could hear my thoughts.

I pray she heals; her mind, her body, her spirit. I pray she gets to know Jesus. I pray for her other babies. I pray that she knows just how much I’m grateful for her life.

He smiles in his sleep. Sometimes it’s a side smile, with one side of his lip raised. Sometimes his whole little mouth smiles. I tell the nurses he must be dreaming of an unlimited supply of cows. He’s strong willed, so far. He know what he wants. But he knows just how to tug at my heart strings. My sweet angel managed to make me blur out all the crying babies, talking nurses, and incessant beeping machines as he tightly held on to my finger and stared right into my eyes. I know you’re my momma, his eyes translated to my heart.

I wonder if she thinks of him. She never wanted to see him, so she doesn’t know just how handsome, sweet, and adorable he is. His hair has shades of red and blonde. His nose so perfectly shaped. I walk around the NICU as I wear my baby and the nurses say that he’s starting to look like us, my face glows with the biggest smile and I look at him, he’s a reflection of my husband and I, but will always have something from his birth momma, and I’d like to think it’s her smile.

Passing The Baton {adoption news}

Posted on by

5

running trail, river trail, bikin trail,

I think my heart might just explode.

Yesterday was such a blessing that I’m afraid that today might just be a bust.

For those of you who are not my friends on Facebook, I’ve got some news!

We are officially approved for the adoption process and have in fact already submitted our homestudy to two cases (meaning two children).

I can’t even begin to explain how overwhelming this part was though. I thought we had gone through the hardest part of the process, the waiting, but boy was I wrong.

This part of the process caught me off guard. Not the approval but the fact that you need to decide on some very tough issues people and most parents don’t deal with on their daily basis and some, in their whole life.

We decided, from the beginning, that we’d be open to children with disabilities, illnesses, diseases, etc because if we had gotten pregnant, there would always be a chance for our child to be born this way, so why not choose a child and love them through it? Mind you, this was the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make through this process.

Yesterday I was reminded of that. As we emailed the social worker back and forth throughout the day, my husband and I stared at each other in the living room after finding out several conditions a little one had.

The question floated in the air.

Do we? Should we?

He said yes.

My heart pattered a lot quicker.

What do you think?, he asked.

I (after a few moments of hesitation)… think we’d be able to do it.

The assurance in his voice convinced me. Let’s say yes.

I replied with an odd confidence to the email- we want our homestudy submitted for him.

——————————————————–

A week ago I picked up running. I physically never imagined myself being able to run at this weight. Thursday I beat my own mile. 11:40 (since then I have improved my mile twice). When the app on my phone told me as I ran, I smiled. I continued running, my speed picked up, and I just smiled!

At that point I realized that I was okay with God. I was okay with Him taking His time. I was okay with Him doing what He needed to do. I was okay with the slow adoption process. I was okay with the infertility. It all clicked that very moment.

I felt like I had finally let go. I was able to breath. I was free. I freed my thinking, freed myself from my own negativity and surrendered to God. It’s as if I passed the baton to Jesus and my time to run that direction was over.

I had a breakthrough in the middle of my run.

Days later we get the notice that we are approved. This was a God thing. God has the baton. He’s running for me. He’s running for our adoption. He’s providing for our needs. He’s in control.

I’ve never had such beautiful surrendering experience like this before. I feel free and even though this new part of the adoption process is overwhelming, I will run to Him. My sweet Jesus, my refuge through this all, how can I not turn to Him?

We tend to hold on to chaos as it were a baby. Most of us know we can hand it over to God. We know we can rely on His strength and yet we cradle chaos, because we think we can handle it. We don’t. Hand over chaos, negativity, depression, insecurity, finances, parenting, your marriage, your studies, WHATEVER, over to God. I know that sometimes we fool ourselves thinking we can handle it… but we can’t. He’s knows better and wants you to trust Him.

That’s all I have for now. I’ll keep you posted!

On Mother’s Day and The Crazy Marathon

Posted on by

2

Mother’s day is the Christmas day for moms all over the world. They get that one day in a year where it’s all about them. The kiddos bring school projects like poems and paper bagged goodies, picked flowers, and odd objects like tea bags and rocks as a gift. It’s a great reminder to all mother’s that they are thought of, loved, and appreciated for their never-ending work.

Mother’s day is also a reminder for those who whatever reason can not conceive. It’s a bittersweet day. Most of us women only hope that we can too be celebrated on such a wonderful day, one day.

Mother’s day for my mom was celebrated on the 10th of May. Mexico, El Salvador and Guatemala celebrated their mother’s on the 10th and being that my mother is Mexican (but has lived in the US for 23 years), she likes her celebration on the 10th. That meant that there were TWO mother’s day days I had to survive.

Sunday was hard. I was at church early for worship. I’d forgotten about Mother’s Day, thankfully. On my way to church I started receiving sweet and encouraging messages from my friends. Oh… It’s Mother’s day, I thought. I held the tears. I wanted to hide in a closet. Moms at church received some kind of paper (probably a poem) with chocolate attached to it. I didn’t get one. I’m not a mom. Some part of me wished I had stayed home but a greater part of me is glad I got out and received the message.

You see, I don’t know how to explain to someone how much this day actually hurts to some women. I can’t put it into words because it will only come out wrong. I don’t want to come off as unappreciative because I’m not.

I’m grateful. I know that God has already made me a mother. I feel like I’m running this long marathon. This marathon consists of bends in the road, some crazy obstacles, some long distance swimming, running through mud, and a section where you have to run through fire, etc. This marathon can only be endured by some of the craziest, strongest, and faith believing people, and I’m one of them (although I don’t always feel like one). God is putting me through the craziest marathon of my life. I am running and have no idea what’s after that bend on the road. I have to keep running and trusting Him. Keep running, keep trusting, keep positive. After the marathon is over, I’m sure things will come into perspective. I am victorious through Him. I am going to be a mother after this crazy marathon is over… and then I’ll be running a different marathon.

So I remain hopeful that through all these curve-balls I am receiving, I will see the great reward. God is faithful. I am stronger because of this. I am grateful. The way I see it is that He knows I’m strong enough to endure this and that’s why I have been put through this.

To the woman who dreads Mother’s day because the loss of a child, a miscarriage, infertility, or anything else, I pray for you. I know the pain. You are strong. God saw your heart and knew you could handle this. Hang in there. The marathon is almost over, just keep running, keep trusting, keep positive. Remember, you are NOT alone.

What crazy marathon are you running and how are you surviving it?

There’s Something About Mary

Posted on by

0

The move was successful!

A few broken glasses, a happy dog with a backyard, and a bigger place to start fresh.

This past Saturday was quite a day. We packed everything in the biggest u-haul we could rent and made a trip to Jack in the Box to feed our helpers before we continued the unloading. We all sat and ate. I faced the window, tired yet feeling greatly accomplished.

I saw a woman outside the restaurant, although it was a warm day, she was wearing a thick coat and lugged her whole life with her in a shopping cart. Her hair was in many knots, her skin was leathery, but her spirits seemed high.

I couldn’t resist. I walked outside and kindly asked her if she’d like me to buy her a burger or anything off the menu. “Coffee please, just some coffee” she said. I asked her if she wanted anything other than coffee and she said no. I went to the register, ordered the largest coffee and 2 Tacos. I didn’t know what else I could’ve gotten her.

I met her outside with her coffee and a take out bag with the tacos, cream and sugar. Her name is Mary. She had a heavy accent. I could hardly understand a word she said but her eyes said it all. She had a story. She’s lived in this area for over 20 years. She believes in healing. She is kind and sweet. She is homeless.

I asked if I could pray for her and she was so happy I had asked. And so I did. After I prayed for her she wanted to give me a bottle of ‘Healing Water’ that someone else had given her. I told her to keep it but was grateful she wanted to share.

I gave her a hug and walked back in the restaurant. I thought I’d be a blessing to her but little did I know, Mary quickly blessed my life in so many ways. I couldn’t stop the overwhelming emotions as I sat back with the crew.

It doesn’t take much. A burger, some coffee, 2 tacos, take 10 minutes off your busy schedule and remind yourself that you’ll find the greatest of blessings in unexpected deeds.

Behind that shopping cart home, ripped clothing and dirty nails, you will find endless stories that teach us more about grace and Jesus then you’ll ever learn at a Bible camp.

Boggled about Blogging

Posted on by

6

It’s hard to balance writing a blog when there are SO many different things going on in my life. I mean, it may be hard to believe for some BUT infertility isn’t the only thing I eat, sleep and breath here.

So if this is your first time checking out my blog (or not), then here’s what I’m all about (summed up in really basic words)-

  • I’m infertile,
  • We are going through an adoption process,
  •  I am on a weight loss journey,
  • I am a Beachbody Coach,
  • I’m a military spouse
  • My husband and I have started to eat less processed, dairy-less and less meats,
  • I am learning to do more DIY (Do It Yourself) projects,
  • oh and I’m a sinner with flaws that cover the Great Wall of China and back and remember that through God’s grace I am here.

How do you fit that all in a blog when I want to post about the pains of infertility and then a post on how to make Almond Milk? HA! I have no idea!

Often times I’ve thought about making two different sites for different posts but I am truly not that dedicated in maintaining two different blogs on any given day. So if you’re ready to ready about any of the above topics or more (as life tends to throws some sour lemons my way), then stick around!

I think I’ll use this post as a transition to some yummy recipes to come! I’ll try posting some later tonight!

Any topics you want to see? Recipe ideas? Suggestions? Let me know!