Tag Archives: nicu

Enjoying the Now {motherhood lessons}

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Our baby is finally home.

We left the NICU with our baby in the carseat hauled on his crib. I turn back towards the door and I’m hit with unexpected emotions. The nurses that we’ve come to love and cherish were waving goodbye to us and it was evident they were full of overwhelming emotions too.

One moment we are signing adoption placement paperwork with his social worker in the hospital, the next we are opening the card the nurses signed for us, then we are in our car, with our baby, on our way home. I sat in the back seat with our baby as my husband took the multiple freeways that took us home. I stared at Lucas still in disbelief. Still assessing everything. When summer started we were just celebrating that we had been approved, thus commencing the official matching process. Seconds later, it seems, we hear about Lucas. Then… we get matched. Summer has swung and is soon making it’s exit and it left us with a baby.

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Tears filled my eyes during last nights midnight feeding. God’s love for us, His strength, and His power blew us away and continues to do so.

Our days have been filled with endless feedings, dirty cloth diapers, and farting noises. We expected to feel some exhaustion, like most parents mention, but have yet to feel it. I think it’s cause we are so grateful to have him home after months in the NICU.

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It’s like I’m falling in love all over again… with life, with God, with my husband, and everything in between. This journey has been far from easy but it has been rewarding nonetheless. I am unsure on what the future will bring in regards to our baby’s health but for now I’ll enjoy this moment; the random smiles while he sleeps, the sudden farts and his baby sounds.

Life can be a scary thing to face, especially as a mom, but I’ve learned one thing, through this short time and that’s this: enjoy the now.

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Now, time to go be a mother since I hear Lucas squirming around through the baby monitor. Feel free to catch up on old posts about our adoption journey (click here!)!

When The Going Gets Tough

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I think this is it. Frustration. Weariness. Fears. Stress. An overflow of it all has finally taken over and I’m breaking down.

I’ve battled myself plenty. I’m supposed to be strong. We chose this (well some of it) so now I deal with it. I think about how it could be worse and that helps… momentarily.

Lately, because of financial strain, we have been unable to visit our baby daily in the NICU. I don’t know how in the world we managed about $500 of gas in traveling in as little of a month. So there are days when we are stuck at home. Doing my best to remain sane. Dealing with guilt because I’m not doing my job as a mother.

I call every other hour to check on my child. Some nurses are entertaining and welcoming. Some… not so much. The communication makes the guilt stronger. Having my baby in the NICU is stressing enough…

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We walked in the NICU on Monday morning. We hadn’t seen our baby since Friday evening. I rush to wash my hands. That mandatory minute is eternal. I walk up to his pod and there he is, in a swing, his hands flaring in the air. I grab my baby, hug him, and kiss him. It’s been way too long without him in my arms.

Then the nurse comes by and tells me that I shouldn’t be waking him (although he was awake). She said that he had lost an ounce (which is why we HAD to come, because weight loss in the NICU means they don’t come home). The nurse said that he might have lost the ounce because we wake him. Then I snapped. My baby has consistently gained weight. He happened to have lost an ounce the weekend we weren’t there. I tried to remain calm, and for everyone’s sake, I hope I did. I let her know my child was awake when I grabbed him and that I have EVERY right in holding him after not having him for two days! My gosh I was about to lose my cool.

In addition, almost every sweet baby that has been in the NICU for longer than a month has been released. My baby is now the oldest one in the NICU. All the other NICU mommies I talked to and related to are gone and life in the NICU just feels a lot less welcoming and a lot more colder.

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My husband and I are tired, overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, and stressed beyond words. I know you will all say something like “God won’t bring you through something you can’t handle” or “TRUST God” or “Hey, you wanted to adopt a sick baby, so don’t complain”… but I think I’ve realized that it’s OKAY to express how one is tired. This part of the process is real. This part of the process exists, it isn’t pretty, it isn’t dreamy, but we do it because this is where we were called.

Guys, all I’m asking is for some MORE prayer. If you have 30 seconds to spare, can you pray for us? We wait, once again on Friday. We hope the bleeding in his eye has stopped. We hope he continues to grow stronger. We hope that Friday brings some light through this tunnel and that we can SOON bring him home. We need peace and sanity and wisdom on what to do next.

We recognize that God of course wouldn’t place us through this if He didn’t know we could endure it. So my wonderful husband and I ride this journey hand in hand, knowing that in the end, it will all get better.

 

Parenthood {when it isn’t as hard as they said}

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nicu,

I like to sarcastically make light of things when the going gets rough. So if you want a good laugh, stick around, you might just get a giggle or two out of this post.

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Everyone warns you. Just watch, when you get a baby, you lose sleep.

Well… not us! We’ve gotten a full nights rest! Midnight feedings? HA! The nurse does that for us! High fevers? No worries, the nurse is there. Ran out of formula? Just tell the nurse! Parenting has been easy peesy!

All we need to do is wake up, get ready for our day; prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner, abandon our poor dog home alone with enough water and food, hop in the car and drive past two counties north bound, enter the hospital and begin parenting! Easy right?!

Nobody warned us about the NICU though.

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While the NICU has become our baby’s home and our part time home, sometimes it isn’t really warm. The staff is wonderful! Every nurse is sweet and kind and since Lucas was their baby before we got him, they all love to be around us, just so they can be around him! What I mean about the NICU not being warm is that it is always FREEZING in there! The A/C is blasting, to keep babies temperatures regulated, the lights are dimmed, you can’t touch your face without having to wash your hands for another minute, and for some reason, they forgot to put some comfy sofas in there! My husband and I are usually there for about 8-12 hours, some days feel longer, some feel shorter.

I know, I know, some mommies are getting jealous of our NICU living, right?

Like everything, there are pro’s and con’s. The best part about being in the NICU is that our child gets round the clock care. He gets two nurses a day, one for the morning shift, one for the evening shift. If there is any inconsistency, it is charted and taken care of if need be. The con about having our baby in the NICU is that we are a one and a half hour drive away from him. It’s not like I can hop in my car in the late hours of the night to give him his midnight feeding, these trips need to be planned with much time.

So we make the best of it. I can honestly say I don’t like having a child in the NICU but I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve come to learn so many things through this experience and had tons of help from all the nurses to become a better mom.

I am very ready to have some sleepless nights with my baby. After this experience, I can’t wait to have our precious baby home, possibly in zombie mode, but having him with me every minute of the day. Yes, I know you’ll warn me soon enough that eventually I’ll want two minutes alone in the bathroom, but for now, I really just want my child in my arms, in the privacy of my own home.

So when the going gets rough, try to laugh a little and make light of the whole thing. Be grateful for the small things and move on. Life is what you make of it!

Mommy Diaries {when your baby lives in the NICU}

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I don’t think nothing EVER prepares you for the day when you see your baby gasping for air as he struggles to breath.

Friday-

His little body rose up and down. Sounds from his little mouth were utter distress. He laid on his tummy and all I could do was pat his little back. What I really wanted to do is hold him. I wanted the nurses to stop touching him. I wanted them to let me do it. But I know better… I know that they are doing only what’s best for him.

I cried in despair. My child is struggling to breath and the machines can’t do a thing for him.

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These past few days as a new mommy have been tough (and that’s an understatement).

Let me take you back to Wednesday, the day we finally met Lucas.

My husband and I drove to the hospital as we followed the social workers in their own cars.

Elevator- 3rd floor. Make a left. Enter hallway. Buzz NICU staff. Enter. Scrub in for 1 minute.

Then the nurses greeted us. They talked about Bobby. They were so happy Bobby had parents. Bobby was such a good baby. Bobby is the best. Bobby is what the staff named him.

There were so many babies. So many little tiny cribs, little incubators, very quiet, very dim, in a very cold room. We finally got to Lucas’ area. He was swaddled up in a hospital blanket. I asked if I could hold and and the nurse very excitedly said yes! I sat on the gliding chair and they placed Lucas in my arms. I finally had my son in my arms. My baby. Tears just flowed.

He is so precious.

He is so beautiful.

He is ours.

He was asleep while I held him. Then Daddy got the chance to hold him. I saw the happiness in my husbands eyes. He glowed as a father. Then Lucas opened his eyes and got to see Daddy first. Daddy began crying (and gloated about Lucas seeing Daddy first, bragging rights).

From the corner of my eyes I saw the social workers cry and the nurses crying. It was such a beautiful moment.

Throughout the day we just sat with Lucas. I got to feed him and from what the nurses tell me, this was the first time he had ever finished a bottle via suckling, I think he knew momma had all the time for him.

In the evening the staff let me stay there. They gave me a room to stay in and woke me for his midnight feedings. Then Thursday came around and it was time to get him prepped for surgery. Because he was born so little (23 weeks), his eyes needed laser surgery. Our little guy had a tough time with it. We haven’t been able to hold him since Thursday morning.

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These days have been bittersweet. I long to be able to hold my child. I long to hear him cry because then we’ll know his lungs are strong enough. Most importantly, I long to see him get better. He may not have grown in my womb but boy, did he grow so deeply in my heart and seeing him suffer, breaks my heart entirely.

So if you have a chance, will you pray for him? Pray that he heals soon. Pray that his lungs develop better. Pray that we have him home soon. Spending our days in the NICU are both stressing and soothing. Moments when we see our little one open his eyes for a few seconds makes those eternal scares less scary.

We are so grateful. We have our son and now it’s time to be strong. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but with him, being his mommy and holding him tight, even if there’s a plastic incubator between us.

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Also, for those who have asked about what we need for Lucas and how you can help, we have signed up for a Baby registry at Babies R Us and Target. We’ve had about 2 weeks to prepare for him, so anything you can gift, would be great!

Babies R Us

Target